Surviving

When I was younger and my mum left, I lived with my Nan and granddad. Life was great I had family around me, my dad, sister, aunties and uncles, cousins and friends. My mother was not around however I didn’t seem to care. I just felt that she didn’t want me and my sister. My mother use to visit us on the school holidays with her boyfriend and we would visit her in Manchester. I never felt loved by my mother, this didn’t seem to bother me back then because I was happy, my family that was looking after me was doing a fantastic job.

When I was 11 years old my sister wanted to move up north with my mother and step dad and half sister who would have been 5 at the time. I didn’t want to go. I felt like I would be living with strangers who didn’t know me. I didn’t want to leave my sister so I went with her to Bury in Manchester where my mother was. We settled in at a new school everything seemed different however if my sister was happy then that was all that mattered. I thought the bond between me and my mother would happen in time.

When I turned 12 years old I heard the news my Grandad had passed away. I was so upset and knowing my Nan was on her own without her soul mate was emotional. After the funeral I felt broken I thought my Grandad would be around forever. My life hit a turn for the worst. My step dad started sexual abusing me and this carried on till I was 17 years old. He controlled everything I did, even how to dress. I was not allowed out much with my school friends, I would get grounded for the littlest thing I did so when I was allowed out I use to try and do what I wanted because whatever I did any way I would get grounded for it. My mother would agree with him and she saw how controlling he was but did nothing. This monster of a step dad controlled everyone in the house, no one would answer him back we all just did what he said. I was all alone with no one to turn to.

My mother wouldn’t believe me. I wanted to end my life so many times however I never gave up hope that one day I would be free from the monster who I thought I could trust. I would cry myself to sleep most nights. It’s easy to put a smile on your face to show everyone your great, I wasn’t I was a mess inside. The darkest just taking over. I was raped 3 to 4 times a week and every time I froze, blaming myself. It would always be at night when everyone was in bed. He would tell me that we were boyfriend and girlfriend and then tell everyone else he was a loving step dad.

My mother was upset one day and I asked her what was the matter she told me that my step dad had cheated on her with some lady and he moved out not long after. I thought I was finally getting rid of him. I was wrong he still controlled everyone, he would come back all the time or tell me I had to come with him to his new girlfriend’s house. I was scared of this man and how was I meant to get him out of my life I was a child he was an adult. He had all the power. My mother would do everything for him still however they were not with each other.

I was physical abused if I didn’t do as I was told I remember this one day I tried to run away. I put clothes in a bag and ran to my friends there was no answer I knocked and knocked on her door. Then I saw his car come round the corner and I ran he got out of the car and grab me so hard I screamed and shouting help me. Trying my hardest to get away from him he was to strong. Someone came out of their house and said is everything alright I said no help me and he told them that I was his daughter, I was just miss behaving. He dragged me inside the car while I kicked the car door over and over.

He told me one night the reason why my mother left me and my sister when I was younger I couldn’t remember this. I confronted my mother and she told me it was true and that I went through trauma as a young child which I will tell you about in a later time on my blog.  

When I was 15 years old I miscarried a child. When I was 16 years old I fell pregnant again and had a baby boy at 17 years old. I told my mother what had happened while I was pregnant and she did not believe me. My step dad told my mother that I was sleeping with him and that we were seeing each other. I told her it was not true. Remembering the look she gave me the hate in her eyes she blamed me. When that monster held my child I felt sick I had to get away from him. I didn’t want my child knowing him as a father. 

I started at college and I put my son in nursery I knew he would be safe I would never let anyone hurt my child. I ended up getting a boyfriend and I stayed at his house with my son as much as I could. That monster was not happy I felt safe with my boyfriend at the time. I told him everything and asked him to help me get him out of my life however I wasn’t ready yet to go to the police so my boyfriend went to his house and told him to stay away and if he didn’t there would be trouble. After this I was able to move on. I hid my emotions from then on wards not telling anyone about my past. I moved house with my son and I stopped speaking to my mother because she still wanted this man in her life. I want people who have been though a lot to never give up because If I can do it so can you. I’m not a victim, I’m a survivor.  

#Never-Give-Up

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7 Comments

  1. Well done!!!! You’ve come through the fire… And like anything else that does this, what’s left is stronger. There’s more of us who’ve done this than you think…people smile all the time and carry the hell around inside them like a slow burning ember…don’t let it kill off your passion to live. You are important. Really really important. Now get on and live, girly… Live every second, hard though it sometimes is….

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sam, so inspirational to read this. And so proud me n my son eventually gave u the courage to put this monster behind bars for a long time. You are an amazing mum and you should be very proud of yourself. Sending you lots of love and best wishes. Xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Sam is one of my bestest friends, and I cannot tell you how proud I am of you and how far you have come, youve done so well in all aspects of life. A fabulous mother to two boys. An excellent health care assistant and trainer. The fight in you is so strong and I know you will never give up on anything you want 🙂 love you loads sam and I hope he is rotting in jail. My bravest friend, the strongest and most beautiful friend anyone could wish for inside and out xxx

    Liked by 1 person

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