When I was younger and my mum left, I lived with my Nan and granddad. Life was great I had family around me, my dad, sister, aunties and uncles, cousins and friends. My mother was not around however I didn’t seem to care. I just felt that she didn’t want me and my sister. My mother use to visit us on the school holidays with her boyfriend and we would visit her in Manchester. I never felt loved by my mother, this didn’t seem to bother me back then because I was happy, my family that was looking after me was doing a fantastic job.
When I was 11 years old my sister wanted to move up north with my mother and step dad and half sister who would have been 5 at the time. I didn’t want to go. I felt like I would be living with strangers who didn’t know me. I didn’t want to leave my sister so I went with her to Bury in Manchester where my mother was. We settled in at a new school everything seemed different however if my sister was happy then that was all that mattered. I thought the bond between me and my mother would happen in time.
When I turned 12 years old I heard the news my Grandad had passed away. I was so upset and knowing my Nan was on her own without her soul mate was emotional. After the funeral I felt broken I thought my Grandad would be around forever. My life hit a turn for the worst. My step dad started sexual abusing me and this carried on till I was 17 years old. He controlled everything I did, even how to dress. I was not allowed out much with my school friends, I would get grounded for the littlest thing I did so when I was allowed out I use to try and do what I wanted because whatever I did any way I would get grounded for it. My mother would agree with him and she saw how controlling he was but did nothing. This monster of a step dad controlled everyone in the house, no one would answer him back we all just did what he said. I was all alone with no one to turn to.
My mother wouldn’t believe me. I wanted to end my life so many times however I never gave up hope that one day I would be free from the monster who I thought I could trust. I would cry myself to sleep most nights. It’s easy to put a smile on your face to show everyone your great, I wasn’t I was a mess inside. The darkest just taking over. I was raped 3 to 4 times a week and every time I froze, blaming myself. It would always be at night when everyone was in bed. He would tell me that we were boyfriend and girlfriend and then tell everyone else he was a loving step dad.
My mother was upset one day and I asked her what was the matter she told me that my step dad had cheated on her with some lady and he moved out not long after. I thought I was finally getting rid of him. I was wrong he still controlled everyone, he would come back all the time or tell me I had to come with him to his new girlfriend’s house. I was scared of this man and how was I meant to get him out of my life I was a child he was an adult. He had all the power. My mother would do everything for him still however they were not with each other.
I was physical abused if I didn’t do as I was told I remember this one day I tried to run away. I put clothes in a bag and ran to my friends there was no answer I knocked and knocked on her door. Then I saw his car come round the corner and I ran he got out of the car and grab me so hard I screamed and shouting help me. Trying my hardest to get away from him he was to strong. Someone came out of their house and said is everything alright I said no help me and he told them that I was his daughter, I was just miss behaving. He dragged me inside the car while I kicked the car door over and over.
He told me one night the reason why my mother left me and my sister when I was younger I couldn’t remember this. I confronted my mother and she told me it was true and that I went through trauma as a young child which I will tell you about in a later time on my blog.
When I was 15 years old I miscarried a child. When I was 16 years old I fell pregnant again and had a baby boy at 17 years old. I told my mother what had happened while I was pregnant and she did not believe me. My step dad told my mother that I was sleeping with him and that we were seeing each other. I told her it was not true. Remembering the look she gave me the hate in her eyes she blamed me. When that monster held my child I felt sick I had to get away from him. I didn’t want my child knowing him as a father.
I started at college and I put my son in nursery I knew he would be safe I would never let anyone hurt my child. I ended up getting a boyfriend and I stayed at his house with my son as much as I could. That monster was not happy I felt safe with my boyfriend at the time. I told him everything and asked him to help me get him out of my life however I wasn’t ready yet to go to the police so my boyfriend went to his house and told him to stay away and if he didn’t there would be trouble. After this I was able to move on. I hid my emotions from then on wards not telling anyone about my past. I moved house with my son and I stopped speaking to my mother because she still wanted this man in her life. I want people who have been though a lot to never give up because If I can do it so can you. I’m not a victim, I’m a survivor.